The Fantastical Adventures of DJ

Chapter I

December 8, 2009 at 7:12 am (Mystery Of The Mysterious Sex Tape) (arab, chronicle, detective, DJ, doctor, mystery, story, tale, thriller)

“Good evening, DJ”, said Faris Al Farik standing still in his cell, glaring at the man who had put him there¹. During the whole intercourse that followed, not once did Faris glance at me.

“Good evening, Faris. What is it that you wanted to see me about?” asked DJ.

“Ahh… not so fast, DJ”, said Faris grinning maliciously and scratching his beard. “All good things come to him who waits.”

“Fate is the question, time is the answer”, replied DJ. I felt they were speaking in Klangon².

Faris seemed slightly thrown off balance with DJ’s dialogue but nevertheless he recovered quickly. He raised his head slightly up and smelled the air.

“Hmmm… You use cheap perfume and haven’t taken bath for a week, have you?”

DJ blushed, no mean feat for him. He looked into Faris’ cell. There were several charcoal drawings of male nudes.

“Did you do those drawings, Faris?”, gulped DJ.

“Why else would they be in my cell? For a great detective, you really aren’t that sharp now, are you?”

“All that detail from memory?” asked DJ, striving to keep the topic off himself and thus prevent Faris’ entry into his head.

“Memory, DJ, is what I have instead of view”, replied Faris once again scratching his beard. “Now, about why I called you. Have you heard of the murder in the fish market, last Sunday night?”

DJ nodded. “It was a black market dealer. Someone called Al Topper. Inspector Lomdi decided it was a deal gone bad.”

“Well if we had left all the decisions to Inspector Lomdi, I’m sure we’d all be rubbing two rocks to get some warmth”, said Faris, “Although I know a few other tricks too.”

“Well then why don’t you reveal to me what it is all about?” shouted DJ obviously hurt by the remark about his friend, the Inspector.

“You’re sooo ambitious, aren’t you…?”, Faris shouted back, “You know what you look like to me, with your black jacket and black T-shirt and black cap and your cheap perfume? You look like a noob. A good chainsaw has trimmed some of that hair of yours, but you’re not more than one generation from coffee pickers and slave dealers, are you DJ…? That accent you’re trying so desperately to shed – pure Chaththanoor³. And oh, how you dreamed of getting away from it all… stocking supermarket shelves, scrubbing floors and talking to imaginary girlfriends, while you could only dream of getting out. Getting anywhere – yes? Getting all the way – to the L…D…A⁴“.

His every word struck DJ like a tiny, precise dart. But he squared his jaw and did not give ground. “You see a lot, Faris. Perhaps you should direct that wisdom at Al Topper and tell me who killed him.”

“Well I have told all I wanted to, DJ”, said Faris, “Now good day to you.”

DJ bit down his anger and walked away. As he crossed the next cell, its occupant walked towards him and flung his palm out. Something hit DJ on the side of his face. He touched it and found that it was moist, but not blood. It was -

“Yuck”, shouted DJ fumbling in his pocket for the handkerchief he never carried along.

“DJ, DJ, come here”, called Faris from his cell, agitated. We ran to him.

“That was ugly, even by my standards”, said Faris.

“Then tell me who killed Al Topper”, pleaded DJ.

“I myself do not know that. But you should check behind his ear… Al Topper’s. The killer left a clue there. Now hurry. I don’t think Banti next door could not manage one more so soon, even if he is crazy – do you?”

We ran out of there.

^{1. DJ, with my help of course, had captured the criminal mastermind in The Mystery Of The Stolen Jewels. He was at the time masquerading (?) as the Sheikha’s eunuch and it had taken DJ a lot of cunning and skill to apprehend Faris in time to recover the Royal Jewels.}

^{2. An obscure language DJ once claimed to know. He told me that African Grey parrots communicate in Klangon.}

^{3. A town in the south of India known for its supermarkets and tuition centers. Now hailed as the birthplace of DJ and so a tourist destination.}

^{4. Short for League of Detectives of Arabia. Initially formed as the League of Official Detectives of Arabia, the ‘Official’ was dropped from the title after its calling cards created a furore among the migrant population. Founded by Detective Dolby, it was short lived organisation created for the welfare and unity of the numerous detectives in all of Arabia. DJ left it shortly after the events of this adventure which caused him and Detective Dolby to be bitter rivals for years to come.}